Structure and Self-Care for Unowned Submissives



I received a note recently asking me if I had any reference materials that focused on providing structure for a submissive who is currently without a Dominant. I didn’t, but I thought it was a good opportunity to write about it.

While I’ve never had a formal system, I have found in both in the time before I identified as a submissive, and in the times since, when I was without a Dom, that I naturally gravitate toward providing myself with a certain amount of structure. (To be clear I have always been a submissive, but I did not always have the words to identify as such.)

Creating structure for yourself in the absence of a Dom comes down to self care. You want to create routines for yourself that enforce predictability and healthy habits.  

Some examples of things you might consider establishing as ‘rules’:

Going to bed by no less than 7 hours before you have to wake.
Being out of bed by a set time, even when you have nowhere to be. (say 10am?)
Regular exercise several times a week.
Reading a certain amount of pages per week.
Getting a vegetable with every meal.
Keep regular contact with friends and family members. (perhaps 1 call per week to 2-3 people)
Do all the dishes before bed each day.
Keep a chore list of things that need to be done each day, week, and month.

One you’ve decided the things you will be focusing on you may find it helpful to establish rewards for yourself. Some people, (like myself) who are organized by nature, may find reward just in having the routine, but for others there has to be incentive to motivate them.

You might consider taking out  some money from the bank in one dollar bills, and placing a dollar in a jar each time you successfully follow one of your own rules. At the end of each week or month you can use that money to buy yourself something special. If this doesn’t seem like something you’d abide by, money is tight, or you generally just buy what you want anyway, then you might consider orgasm control instead. Put yourself on denial, and give yourself a point for each task completed. When you manage to reach a set number of points you allow yourself an orgasm.

There are a lot of reward systems out there but the basics of giving yourself structure are in creating beneficial routines, and motivations for doing them. It doesn’t have to be formal charts if that seems like drudgery to you.

You can reward yourself within the system. It can be as simple as when you get to bed on time all week you allow yourself to sleep in on weekends.Or making yourself wait to have any snacks/treats for the day until your work/chores are done. There are endless possibilities really, what matters is that you feel motivated to continue taking proper care of yourself.

Excellent, I’m always getting questions about this.